My Auschwitz Experience

I had the opportunity to visit the world's largest graveyard, Auschwitz.

I knew that it would be depressing, and I knew that it would be emotional. I did not, however, anticipate the anger that quickly built up inside me when they had on display 4,000 pounds of hair that had been shaved off and collected and planned to be sold, from those who either had their head shaved upon arrival, or who had been gassed.

And the thousands and thousands of shoes on display, a lot of them small children's or the high heels of women who thought they were being sent to a new country to work.

The small facts about the lies the German Nazis told these people five minutes they were being sent to a gas chamber, using their religious faith as false hope, literally made me ill.

Seeing with my own eyes the barracks and gas chambers that the Germans had burned down in efforts to cover up what they knowingly knew was wrong made me livid.

I wanted it all to be gone. Why do they display these terrible things? Why haven't we destroyed all of Auschwitz? This shouldn't be here, it is too terrible of a memory.

My entire experience changed when we were guided to the hidden area of the ruins of the gas chambers, and the memorial site the Polish had build at the center. As our tour guide spoke to us, I saw in the distance large fields of grass and canola fields. I heard birds singing in the nearby trees. It was truly peaceful and God's spirit was there like I had never experienced before. It was that feeling of familiar love you feel when you are comforted when sad, but far more. How could a place so terrible as this feel momentarily so peaceful? I was strongly reminded that God's son, our Savior and Redeemer, suffered for us to make all unfair things right. He made this heart-wrenching, awful, and gruesome scene beautiful. The families and loved ones affected by the Holocaust could be healed.

All that seems unfair about life can be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

This reminded me of Alma and Amulek's experience witnessing the many women and children being burned right in front of their eyes:

8 "And they brought their wives and children together, and whosoever believed or had been taught to believe in the word of God they caused that they should be cast into the fire; and they also brought forth their records which contained the holy scriptures, and cast them into the fire also, that they might be burned and destroyed by fire.

9 "And it came to pass that they took Alma and Amulek, and carried them forth to the place of martyrdom, that they might witness the destruction of those who were consumed by fire."

10 "And when Amulek saw the pains of the women and children who were consuming in the fire, he also was pained; and he said unto Alma: How can we witness this awful scene? Therefore let us stretch forth our hands, and exercise the power of God which is in us, and save them from the flames."

11 "But Alma said unto him: The Spirit constraineth me that I must not stretch forth mine hand; for behold the Lord receiveth them up unto himself, in glory; and he doth suffer that they may do this thing, or that the people may do this thing unto them, according to the hardness of their hearts, that the judgments which he shall exercise upon them in his wrath may be just; and the blood of the innocent shall stand as a witness against them, yea, and cry mightily against them at the last day."

Lithuania.

If I'm being completely honest, my experience in Lithuania thus far has not been what I expected.

I've been given a slap in the face of culture shock resulting in a diet of cheese, chips, and chocolate.

And some days I believe that the children I teach are the spawn of Satan.

But God has reminded me (through the scriptures and words of wisdom from a true friend and my mom) that ultimately choosing to love the people and culture is the source of true happiness.


So here are the things that I love about eastern european culture!

1. Their protection of their children against the cold; it will be 70 degrees and all of the kids are in beanies, puffy coats, and gloves.
2. The ads on cigarettes; there are literally pictures of coffins, open black lungs, holes in your neck, and pretty much everything that could go wrong when you smoke on all of the boxes. It was horrifying yet fantastic.
3. Their love for Celine Dion; this could be just our native coordinator's passion, but all he listens to is good 'ole Celine.
4. Their patience with Americans; lets face it, we are loud, obnoxious, and stupid. Every dumb question we ask they are very kind and do their best in their broken English to help us when we get lost or have no idea what the food menu says.

Grand Junction

I decided to write a detailed account of my impressions from my first area as a missionary in Colorado. Of course, this isn't everything that happened in my training process, but the important stuff. A dear dear friend of mine (aka the greatest roommate in the world) was my inspiration for this. So thank you Sandra.

           I remember sitting in the chapel in Grand Junction after driving for four hours from Denver. There were SO MANY missionaries. Sister Joslin and I had complained the entire time how this place looked like Utah and we were NOT planning on staying here long (since us greenies had SO much control over that).  The next thing I knew they had called my name and announced who my trainer was. They instructed me to get up and sit with her on the other side of the chapel. It was the embarrassing walk of shame where every missionary’s eyes were on you as they watched you awkwardly embrace your new companion; the person you would be spending every moment with for at least the next six weeks. Sister Pearson was tall, which intimidated me. Missionaries cheered when they announced her name, so everyone must love her. I immediately loved her because of that. She looked like she had experience. I remember singing the opening hymn next to her and looking over at her as she intently sang the hymn. She was focused and would whip me into shape. I felt terrified, but happy. At the end of the meeting I followed her around like puppy as she gathered everything we would need for our new area. I had heard everyone say we were whitewashing but I had no idea what that even meant. (I didn’t have the courage to ask Sister Pearson what it meant until about three days in the area).

            We got in the car and drove to immediately to our apartment on B ¼ Rd. Sister Pearson and I did the standard get to know you questions while she played the Nashville Tribute Band. The first song was “Children Go Where I Send Thee.” I thought it was so incredibly strange that there was country/folk music written about Lehi’s dream, Alma and Amulek, and a baby born in Bethlehem. Then I thought, “Where the heck am I?” I am in a dry, desert, Utah looking place listening to this crazy music that my trainer was singing along to. OK—difference in music taste, I can work with that if that’s the worst thing. (And with Sister Pearson, that was the ONLY worst thing, which was pretty darn great).  Our place was one large studio apartment where the only room with a closed door was a bathroom. Sister Pearson told me Elders had lived here before us so it might not be the cleanest. I didn’t care, I saw the bed and immediately wanted to collapse, but off to Wal Mart we went where we bought a GPS and other groceries we would need for the week. I remember thinking this felt like college grocery shopping, something I was looking forward to escaping.

            We role-played every day and I hated and dreaded it. I didn’t mind role-playing OYM-ing (street contacting) because Sister Pearson and I were equally bad at it. We would do it outside in front of our mailbox because it felt good to get out of the house. I remember a specific role-play where we were facing each other on our armchair couches. Sister Pearson kept asking me the same question over and over again and I didn’t understand why she kept asking because I WAS answering it correctly.

“Why do I need the gospel?”

“Because it will make you happy.”

“No, why do I need the gospel?”

“BECAUSE IT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY FOREVER.”

“I am happy with my life. Nothing more can make me happier. Why do I need the gospel?”

At this point, I was bothered, frustrated, and done. I remember thinking she was just trying to be difficult and ask me dumb questions to stump me. **(Sorry Lexis, it gets better I promise).**

            This bothered me for days. Why do people need the gospel when they are perfectly, contently happy? Would I even need the gospel if I didn’t know any better? I have a testimony, but only because I was raised with it. I know it’s true, but what makes it true? I’ve felt the spirit, I know God lives, and I’ve seen miracles, but why? How can I help others see it when they haven’t had exposure like I had? WHY did I have a testimony? I didn’t ever doubt, I just wanted to understand why I was feeling like I had a testimony but not able to explain to others why they needed it. These seem like questions that can be answered simply by doctrine; people need the gospel to accept the Restoration, be baptized, receive the Holy Ghost, and live with God in His kingdom.  BUT HOW DID I MAKE THE PEOPLE I TAUGHT UNDERSTAND THAT. These thoughts consumed me every day. So much that faith in myself became almost nothing. I had never prayed so much for understanding.

            Thinking about this today, I can’t exactly put my finger on what revelation I received/ what ultimately changed me except for TIME. I did receive a blessing at the time which gave me the strength to just keep diligently studying and acting on any prompting I received. The blessing also said I would not just endure being a missionary, but ENJOY it. I remember swinging. Swinging the bat and not even caring if I missed. Running up to people and having absolutely no idea what I was going to say. Acting on the strongest prompting to ask an eighty-eight year old inactive woman if she wanted to work towards going to the temple. Boldly telling a less-active man that the church is literally God’s kingdom on Earth, and that if we don’t attend church we are not prepared to live in God’s kingdom. Pulling over the car and sprinting in the snow to give a jogger a pass along card.

            It was ultimately my trainer’s question that motivated my progression as a missionary. I will be forever grateful for her Christ-like pushing to make me better. I eventually found myself singing along to the Nashville Tribute Band, helping a Born-Again Christian farmer plant all of her grapes, realizing this place was NOTHING like Utah, and absolutely loving it for the next six months. I soaked in the beauty of Grand Junction and knew for sure that I was exactly where God intended me to be. My only purpose was to teach doctrine and love the people. I knew that if I did that, my understanding would grow. I learned what I already knew; you need the gospel to allow the Atonement of Jesus Christ to cleanse you, to live with God again and have pure joy and ecstatic happiness that is indescribable. You need it because I know I need it, and we are all God's children that are equally valuable. And there is so much more that God has in store for us. I know it because I've felt it and witnessed it. 

Hey there.

I have not posted anything since I left on my mission over two years ago, so I thought I'd post my final email I wrote to my family before coming home back in March. Enjoy:)

The Lord called me to beautiful Colorado where I've never seen so many mountains and snow. Then He put me in Grand Junction; the mountains are low and red, looks like Utah, and is about 4 hours from Provo. This is NOT what I imagined my mission looking like. But I've never loved an area so much in my life. I learned how to study, teach, street-contact; pretty much all the basics of missionary work. This is where my conversion to missionary work started. This is where I felt the first joy. This is where we were sent to Kassie:) This is where I made forever friends with Sister Pearson, Sister Caisey, and be a mom to Sister Lomu.

6 months out the Lord called me to good 'ole Highlands Ranch. My hardest and longest area ever. I remember thinking, "the elect are not here, having missionaries here is pointless." Well I know for a fact that that was Satan. I will always be grateful for the adorable and wonderful Sister Nicol for keeping me positive.Then I was blessed with Sister Erickson, who I will forever feel a bond with due to the heavy trials we went through together. Fortunately over time I learned how to recognize FRUIT. That area had not had a baptism in 5 years. I know that through our obedience, diligence, and endless prayers combined with the members, Heavenly Father blessed us with Nancy. I learned patience and long-suffering. I learned Heavenly Father is in COMPLETE control. Three companions later, Heavenly Father sent me Sister Garrett who taught me how to gain a testimony of myself. We saw fruit like nothing else. Then the Lord sent us to Tonya. I've never said so many gratitude prayers in my life to Heavenly Father for allowing me to see so much beautiful fruit.

MEEKER is by far my favorite place to work in. Finding and being immersed with so many kind people was such a relief coming from the city. Here I learned from Sister Robinson how to show love for your companion. This is where I felt like I could be a missionary forever. And where I felt so much love for the investigators as well. I cried for a lot of the people we were teaching and the decisions they had made. Mosiah 28:3  "Now they were desirous that salvation should be declared to every creature, for they could not bear that any human soul should perish; yea, even the very thoughts that any soul should endure endless torment did cause them to quake and tremble."

Uncompahgre: Un-com-pa-gray. Delta and Olathe (oh-lay-thuh) reminded me of Grand Junction and Meeker combined. Pretty much where all of my end of mission dreams came true. I learned how to embrace my calling and be confident in the Lord's trust in me to be a leader. We have Bert on baptismal date for April 25th and Chuck for April 30th. A lot of wheat to be harvested here and it has been such a blessing.

I found this scripture at the beginning of my mission and have always hoped this is how Heavenly Father feels about my service:

"Behold, the field was ripe, and blessed are ye, for ye did thrust in the sickle, and did reap with your might, yea, all the day long did ye labor; and behold the number of your sheaves! And they shall be gathered into the garners, that they are not wasted." Alma 26:5

I echo the testimony of Job,"My witness is in heaven, and my record is on high." I can list off 100 things I've learned on my mission, but I think the most important things have been how to repent, love unconditionally, and persevere when trials are really really really hard. And truly understand (and continue to understand) what the Savior did for me. All of those insecure feelings of inadequacy and that come back to haunt you on a mission can be relieved and filled with feelings of pure joy and love. I know that because my Savior Jesus Christ has done that for me.

Everything that has happened in my life up to when I was 19 prepared me for my mission. I know Heavenly Father put me through specific things to help me be humble enough to be able to help hasten His work. My patriarchal blessing never said I would serve a mission, but it did say I would firmly bear testimony of the restoration of the gospel and people would listen and believe it. I can't wait to continue doing that the rest of my life!

Love you all.

I'm not dying, just leaving for a mission

Getting ready to leave on a mission feels a little bit like dying. You clean out your entire room, give things away. You get loads of attention (and gifts) from everyone around you. You reflect everything you've done in your life up to this point, and reminisce on the good memories. You do everything you can on your bucket list. You say long goodbyes to friends and family. And then I remember... I'm not dying, just living in a different place for a different purpose for 18 months. I tell all my friends, "It'll be a party when I come back!"

Was it a mistake to go to a Taylor Swift concert two weeks before I leave? No and yes. No, because it was TOTALLY WORTH IT. So awesome, so cool. GAH, it changed my life. Yes, because now i'm even more obsessed with her than I ever was and she's all I ever want to listen to. Sorry Taylor, can't bring any of your albums on the mish:( which is depressing. 

People often ask me, "What made you decide to go on a mission? Did you always know you would serve?" There were TWO times in my youth where I said to myself, "I'm going on a mission, there's no doubt about that." They were often in high spiritual moments that lasted only about 10 minutes. 

Number One: I was twelve, and sitting in Young Women's listening to a lady named Sister Fisher give a lesson about missions and her experience serving. She was bearing her testimony of how strong you will grow as a person and as a mother, and that hit me hard I guess (This was when my family was living in Hanford for 6 months).

Number Two: The missionary age change. I know that there are probably A LOT of girls who felt the exact same way as I did at this point. But I was there, in the conference center, literally tears streaming down my face (my family does not know this, I hid it well ;)). First of all, I'm not really a cryer when I feel the spirit, so I was super confused and caught off guard. I did not know at that point whether or not I would actually go the next year, but I felt so strongly in my heart that I knew that the age change would bless my life, and that I would do great things. I SWEAR I saw temporarily into the heavens at that point. There is no doubt in my mind that the prophet receives revelation from on high.

Between these two experiences, there were so many ups and downs of deciding whether or not to go. But eventually, I got to a point where I said to myself, "I know that my Heavenly Father loves me no matter what, and that it's not salvation for me to go. So why am I stressing over it?" I often did not understand when girls would tell me, Oh I prayed about it and got a "no." Why would God tell you not to do something that involves spreading the true word? Why wouldn't he want you to save lost souls out there? I understand that girls have a choice, and that you can be a missionary in so many other ways. But for me, as I was praying and trying so hard to get a "yes" or a "no," I received a prompting that the decision was completely up to me. 

In some ways, I did always know I would go on a mission. And the decision was long and hard, but I know that this will bless my life and most importantly the lives of who I'll be teaching the gospel.

2012 was a good year

This would normally be a post about my new years resolutions and how I'm going to do better next year because this last one sucked... but NOPE.
This year was a fantastic one. I did so many new things and met so many new people that I feel like I'm five years older than I was a year ago... super weird... Anyways, here's a list of all the new things I learned this year:

Surfing

With the AWESOME Stockdale ward;)

Longboarding

With some of my best buds Sarah and Aaron

Ultimate frisbee

Our ultimate frisbee girls... aka the best summer term chicas

Cooking actual meals (not just pastaroni)

Skiing

Dance is also a HUGE part of this year, learning and improving so much since I came to BYU. Unfortunately I have no pictures, but I would love to give a shout out memory to Miss Lenore who inspired me to keep dancing. RIP:)

Pretty sure this year is the most I've ever stepped out of my comfort zone in my life. All of these activities I had my doubts about and was scared to death to try, but now I want to surf, ski, and dance all the time!
I've learned how to cope living out of the house, live with new strange people, accept new personalities into my life, adapt to a different environment (aka the freaking SNOW), and a million bajillion other things that made this year so great. So basically this was a BIG year. Hopefully the next will be even greater and bigger. So many aspirtations... so many goals... GAHH I'm excited.

Canada is beautiful

I love the snow when the sun is out!

Also... snapchat is hilarious. I may be obsessed.
(My friend Chelsea)

I know it probably sounds SUPER self-absorbed, which will probably not attract a lot of readers. But that's fine because I don't care! This is mostly meant for family and close friends (and for me to have some place to store all of my desired writing rants). 

I only have this as the title because I needed something that would motivate me to keep up with it- and it basically sums up my life. Here's me when I was "Bashful":

(approximately 5 or 6 years old)

This was my timid/insecure/don't talk to me face for a looooong time. It affected everything. My school work, my social life, my confidence...blah blah blah my life was rough (not really).
But who I am now is such a MASSIVE improvement of who I was in elementary school and junior high, I often look back and think, "wow. I never ever thought I could be who I am now" So this is my so-called "Brilliant" picture:

(me on the right; senior year in high school)

No, I don't dress like this every day. This was the only picture I could find that made the word 'brilliant' seem humorous so I wouldn't sound conceded. Even if I'm the only who can see the difference, I am that much more happy with myself. It may have taken me a while, but I know exactly who I am and what my capabilities are. BAM- that's me:)